The next day begins with pain, just before dawn. It does not wake him up, since he has not slept. But it startles him out of the stupor, in which he has been staring at the fire from his seat in the armchair.
He removes the glamour to face Voldemort.
Once more he is called into the presence of the Dark Lord, asked to explain young Malfoy's actions... or lack thereof. Sadly the boy has not been retrieved yet, and Severus allows a measure of relief to filter into his mind, even as he explains how Dumbledore was able to spin a net of befuddlement around the youthful and vulnerable mind. How Draco fought it well, but to no avail, the old wizard's strength still too overwhelming even in his weakest hour. How Severus had been forced to step in and take action, before the Order managed to come to Dumbledore's aid. How chosing Draco had been wise, even if the boy could not fulfill his task. That Draco had managed to draw attention towards him, to make Dumbledore hesitate those crucial moments. Nobody could be faulted for his failure, as it had been inevitable. But all should acknowledge his determination and obvious wish to do the Dark Lord's bidding.
He can see that these words are not truly what the Dark Lord wishes to hear, but the flattery, the truth in Severus' eyes and words pave the way for understanding. This is all he can do for Draco and Lucius. He can but hope, the Dark Lord sees this as penance enough from the Malfoys. Lucius may be and believe many things Severus does no longer agree with, but he will always be an old friend, and he cannot abandon this friend easily.
Finally he is released from the summons and can return home. He feels drained but still ... he has to check whether Remus has replied or not. All thoughts of Remus have been surpressed heavily for the last couple of hours and as they reenter his mind, it is almost a rush of pain, outshining the lingering ache in his arm.
He reapplies the glamour and apparates to Florence. Silently he reads the message at the owlery, only the clerk observing him with less than cursory interest for a few moments before returning to some paper work.
Remus loves him still. The pain intensifies for a few moments, cutting into his soul and his expression mirrors that hurt for a few seconds before he can school it.
Remus will also see him and has apparently not taken measures to ward Severus out of his flat. But can he allow the man full access to all truths? To all lies? To everything he might wish to ask, while Severus is under the influence of Veritaserum?
He knows the one anti-dote to the truth serum and he is tempted to use it. He can also use the small pensieve, but would Remus not notice the holes, should a question concern any of the removed strings of memories?
He needs to think on this, to sort through his priorities. He cannot risk endangering his current position and nobody else must know, not even the Order.
Taking a clean sheet of parchment, he writes.
[Owl}
Remus,
I know you are not a liar, but I would have understood if my actions had caused your feelings to change. I am happy they have not.
I will see you and I am willing to take Veritaserum. I trust you will not contact anybody and inform them of what I say or alert them to my presence.
Expect me within the next couple of days.
~S
[/Owl]
He sends the message off, pays and returns home, wondering if not he's endangering everything he's worked for, by his wish for ... his need for keeping Remus' love.
It is the only true thing left to your life, Severus.
No, it was the only thing left to his life. And if he lost that as well, nothing would remain but his purpose. A mere tool, poised and ready to strike.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2005-07-30 02:40 am (UTC)He removes the glamour to face Voldemort.
Once more he is called into the presence of the Dark Lord, asked to explain young Malfoy's actions... or lack thereof. Sadly the boy has not been retrieved yet, and Severus allows a measure of relief to filter into his mind, even as he explains how Dumbledore was able to spin a net of befuddlement around the youthful and vulnerable mind. How Draco fought it well, but to no avail, the old wizard's strength still too overwhelming even in his weakest hour. How Severus had been forced to step in and take action, before the Order managed to come to Dumbledore's aid. How chosing Draco had been wise, even if the boy could not fulfill his task. That Draco had managed to draw attention towards him, to make Dumbledore hesitate those crucial moments. Nobody could be faulted for his failure, as it had been inevitable. But all should acknowledge his determination and obvious wish to do the Dark Lord's bidding.
He can see that these words are not truly what the Dark Lord wishes to hear, but the flattery, the truth in Severus' eyes and words pave the way for understanding. This is all he can do for Draco and Lucius. He can but hope, the Dark Lord sees this as penance enough from the Malfoys. Lucius may be and believe many things Severus does no longer agree with, but he will always be an old friend, and he cannot abandon this friend easily.
Finally he is released from the summons and can return home. He feels drained but still ... he has to check whether Remus has replied or not. All thoughts of Remus have been surpressed heavily for the last couple of hours and as they reenter his mind, it is almost a rush of pain, outshining the lingering ache in his arm.
He reapplies the glamour and apparates to Florence. Silently he reads the message at the owlery, only the clerk observing him with less than cursory interest for a few moments before returning to some paper work.
Remus loves him still. The pain intensifies for a few moments, cutting into his soul and his expression mirrors that hurt for a few seconds before he can school it.
Remus will also see him and has apparently not taken measures to ward Severus out of his flat. But can he allow the man full access to all truths? To all lies? To everything he might wish to ask, while Severus is under the influence of Veritaserum?
He knows the one anti-dote to the truth serum and he is tempted to use it. He can also use the small pensieve, but would Remus not notice the holes, should a question concern any of the removed strings of memories?
He needs to think on this, to sort through his priorities. He cannot risk endangering his current position and nobody else must know, not even the Order.
Taking a clean sheet of parchment, he writes.
[Owl}
Remus,
I know you are not a liar, but I would have understood if my actions had caused your feelings to change. I am happy they have not.
I will see you and I am willing to take Veritaserum. I trust you will not contact anybody and inform them of what I say or alert them to my presence.
Expect me within the next couple of days.
~S
[/Owl]
He sends the message off, pays and returns home, wondering if not he's endangering everything he's worked for, by his wish for ... his need for keeping Remus' love.
It is the only true thing left to your life, Severus.
No, it was the only thing left to his life. And if he lost that as well, nothing would remain but his purpose. A mere tool, poised and ready to strike.