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sev_ensnared_mirror2005-07-29 05:38 pm
.livejournal.com) wrote in sev_ensnared_mirror2005-07-29 05:38 pm
(no subject)
It was almost dark again. A day had once more passed Severus without notice, his only focus the flames playing around the wood in the fireplace. He had stopped thinking a while ago, as his thoughts had started going in circles, ever tighter, ever more painful, until it was a physical ache deep inside him.
It could also be hunger, he mused idly.
But how could such a mundane thing hurt more, than what he had done?
How could anything compare to the act he had committed only a few days ago?
Albus would be buried now, surrounded for the last time by those who had loved him as they said their good byes. A good bye of sorts had been said that night, but it had drowned in Albus' plea, in the information he had needed, in the act...
...in seeing Remus deeply engulfed in a fight that could have cost his life, while all Severus had been able to do, was flee, protect Draco, prevent Potter from destroying everything.
For all he knew, Remus could be wounded.
He could be dead... Severus sighed and rested his head on his hand, trying to massage the building headache away. Only, it was no headache. It was the painful thought of Remus dead, searing its way through his mind along the same scorched paths left behind by Albus' death.
Remus had to be alive. Even if it meant he would be tormented by the death of Albus, by Severus' ... betrayal. Severus could not accept the possibility of Remus' death.
At least he would not be alone. Kirill would be there, Severus was quite sure. The Russian had seemed extremely attached to Remus, and would surely not abandon him now. He would possibly even leap to the chance of finally having Remus for himself.
Perhaps Severus should see that as a blessing and not contact Remus? Would the man not be happier then, if he didn't have to face a murderer? He could not see Remus forgiving him for this, even if he could explain the reasons. And how could Remus love the same man who had killed Albus Dumbledore?
Didn't he love me, even if he knew I am a Death Eater? Even if he might have suspected I was implicated in the death of his friends? Even if he knew I had killed ... had done the bidding of the Dark Lord? Didn't he love me in spite of the fact, that I had shown him nothing but cold dismissal and hatred for most of our lives?
But he knew, all that faded in comparison to using the killing curse on Albus, and meaning it. He would never have been able to kill the old powerful wizard, not even in his weakened state, had he not meant those two words, meant to murder Albus.
Severus looked at the wand on the table in front of him. He had not used it since he apparated home that night. He couldn't even get himself to touch it, the dark polished wood mocking him with what he had done with it.
With a low growl, Severus got up and turned away. The wand on the table suddenly snapped without notice, as if two strong hands had taken hold of it and simply broken it in two. Severus didn't react as he stalked out of the room, into the bedroom.
He changed into the muggle clothes he had acquired a long time ago. Simple black trousers, a white shirt and a black jacket. He avoided looking at his reflection in the mirror, knowing only too well what he would see.
Without any wand, he was forced to walk. He didn't care much for walking, but at his pace he would reach Florence within half an hour. He had memorised the path to La Strega D'Urlo, the Inn that marked the entrance to the wizarding part of the old city.
Walking thus, among muggles, was a strange experience. Nobody seemed to take any notice of him, most of them clearly engulfed in their own matters.
As he entered the Inn, only few heads turned towards the strange figure in muggle clothing. And most of those heads turned away again quickly. Only the barman behind the counter took note of the face, the haunted eyes and the pale complexion.
"Buona sera, Signore." He greeted politely, as Severus approached him.
"Buona sera." Severus was not as fluent in Italian as he could have wished, but he managed to get the directions he needed, as he spoke with the barman. He would have to learn Italian to be able to live here. If he was going to live here...
Is this living?
He moved through the inn and out the backdoor, surprised to see a simple wooden door. It was marked Riservato, and as he turned the door handle, opening the door, he suspected it wouldn't react to muggles.
Most of his errands took no time, only as he entered Masciullo Wands, did he hesitate. The old man behind the counter looked straight into his eyes and offered an almost toothless smile in greeting. English was out of the question, but there was no need to explain why he was there. The scrutiny brought back memories of the first time he had been given a wand. At Olivander's. And the efficiency with which the right wand was found, even more so.
Severus looked at it. It was so very different than his old wand, but it felt right in his hand. At home. And different was good. He needed no more reminders than the two pieces of wood still on his table, back at the house.
He paid and left, knowing his name would not figure anywhere in the shop owner's journals. No matter how good wand makers were, none of them were immune to Obliviate.
Outside, he saw the public owlery just across from the wand shop. It was still open.
He had avoided thinking until now, but Remus instantly came to the surface of his mind. Merlin, it would have been so much easier had he not indulged himself, allowed himself to fall in love. Allowed himself to ignore what had been bound to come.
With brisk strides he entered the owlery and paid for an inter-continental owl delivery, then made arrangements for owl deliveries being made there. He gave a false name and reminded himself to obliviate the man before leaving again.
[Owl]
Remus,
I know I am the last person you would want to speak with now, but I need to talk to you. When and where I will leave up to you, should you accept. I do not ask you to trust me or even believe me, but at least listen to what I have to say.
I love you.
~S
[/owl]
Only when the owl had been sent on its way, did he wonder why he had added the last words. They were true, but wouldn't Remus see it as ... mockery? As more lies? It was too late now to change anything and if he was honest with himself, he didn't think it would make any difference. He didn't expect an answer.
He might answer just to set you up? Another possibility, even if a small voice deep inside him, told him Remus would not do something like that. Because why not?
After Obliviating the Owlery official, Severus left and then apparated home, facing another sleepless night with resignation.
It could also be hunger, he mused idly.
But how could such a mundane thing hurt more, than what he had done?
How could anything compare to the act he had committed only a few days ago?
Albus would be buried now, surrounded for the last time by those who had loved him as they said their good byes. A good bye of sorts had been said that night, but it had drowned in Albus' plea, in the information he had needed, in the act...
...in seeing Remus deeply engulfed in a fight that could have cost his life, while all Severus had been able to do, was flee, protect Draco, prevent Potter from destroying everything.
For all he knew, Remus could be wounded.
He could be dead... Severus sighed and rested his head on his hand, trying to massage the building headache away. Only, it was no headache. It was the painful thought of Remus dead, searing its way through his mind along the same scorched paths left behind by Albus' death.
Remus had to be alive. Even if it meant he would be tormented by the death of Albus, by Severus' ... betrayal. Severus could not accept the possibility of Remus' death.
At least he would not be alone. Kirill would be there, Severus was quite sure. The Russian had seemed extremely attached to Remus, and would surely not abandon him now. He would possibly even leap to the chance of finally having Remus for himself.
Perhaps Severus should see that as a blessing and not contact Remus? Would the man not be happier then, if he didn't have to face a murderer? He could not see Remus forgiving him for this, even if he could explain the reasons. And how could Remus love the same man who had killed Albus Dumbledore?
Didn't he love me, even if he knew I am a Death Eater? Even if he might have suspected I was implicated in the death of his friends? Even if he knew I had killed ... had done the bidding of the Dark Lord? Didn't he love me in spite of the fact, that I had shown him nothing but cold dismissal and hatred for most of our lives?
But he knew, all that faded in comparison to using the killing curse on Albus, and meaning it. He would never have been able to kill the old powerful wizard, not even in his weakened state, had he not meant those two words, meant to murder Albus.
Severus looked at the wand on the table in front of him. He had not used it since he apparated home that night. He couldn't even get himself to touch it, the dark polished wood mocking him with what he had done with it.
With a low growl, Severus got up and turned away. The wand on the table suddenly snapped without notice, as if two strong hands had taken hold of it and simply broken it in two. Severus didn't react as he stalked out of the room, into the bedroom.
He changed into the muggle clothes he had acquired a long time ago. Simple black trousers, a white shirt and a black jacket. He avoided looking at his reflection in the mirror, knowing only too well what he would see.
Without any wand, he was forced to walk. He didn't care much for walking, but at his pace he would reach Florence within half an hour. He had memorised the path to La Strega D'Urlo, the Inn that marked the entrance to the wizarding part of the old city.
Walking thus, among muggles, was a strange experience. Nobody seemed to take any notice of him, most of them clearly engulfed in their own matters.
As he entered the Inn, only few heads turned towards the strange figure in muggle clothing. And most of those heads turned away again quickly. Only the barman behind the counter took note of the face, the haunted eyes and the pale complexion.
"Buona sera, Signore." He greeted politely, as Severus approached him.
"Buona sera." Severus was not as fluent in Italian as he could have wished, but he managed to get the directions he needed, as he spoke with the barman. He would have to learn Italian to be able to live here. If he was going to live here...
Is this living?
He moved through the inn and out the backdoor, surprised to see a simple wooden door. It was marked Riservato, and as he turned the door handle, opening the door, he suspected it wouldn't react to muggles.
Most of his errands took no time, only as he entered Masciullo Wands, did he hesitate. The old man behind the counter looked straight into his eyes and offered an almost toothless smile in greeting. English was out of the question, but there was no need to explain why he was there. The scrutiny brought back memories of the first time he had been given a wand. At Olivander's. And the efficiency with which the right wand was found, even more so.
Severus looked at it. It was so very different than his old wand, but it felt right in his hand. At home. And different was good. He needed no more reminders than the two pieces of wood still on his table, back at the house.
He paid and left, knowing his name would not figure anywhere in the shop owner's journals. No matter how good wand makers were, none of them were immune to Obliviate.
Outside, he saw the public owlery just across from the wand shop. It was still open.
He had avoided thinking until now, but Remus instantly came to the surface of his mind. Merlin, it would have been so much easier had he not indulged himself, allowed himself to fall in love. Allowed himself to ignore what had been bound to come.
With brisk strides he entered the owlery and paid for an inter-continental owl delivery, then made arrangements for owl deliveries being made there. He gave a false name and reminded himself to obliviate the man before leaving again.
[Owl]
Remus,
I know I am the last person you would want to speak with now, but I need to talk to you. When and where I will leave up to you, should you accept. I do not ask you to trust me or even believe me, but at least listen to what I have to say.
I love you.
~S
[/owl]
Only when the owl had been sent on its way, did he wonder why he had added the last words. They were true, but wouldn't Remus see it as ... mockery? As more lies? It was too late now to change anything and if he was honest with himself, he didn't think it would make any difference. He didn't expect an answer.
He might answer just to set you up? Another possibility, even if a small voice deep inside him, told him Remus would not do something like that. Because why not?
After Obliviating the Owlery official, Severus left and then apparated home, facing another sleepless night with resignation.
no subject
He flexes his fingers against Severus and looks back up at him sadly.
"I still can hardly believe he's gone." Remus lays his forehead against Severus' knee and lets himself weep softly.
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He cannot believe it either, even if he was the one casting the curse, even if he had watched Albus fall from the tower, like a puppet discarded by a disgruntled child.
"He wished for his death to make a difference, to serve a purpose... he was dying, Remus... he had been dying for a while, his last quest only pushing him closer." Those last thoughts and memories shared, the pleas... the knowledge... it all comes to life in his mind again, as does the pain.
"I was the only one he judged capable of doing what needed to be done. And I was the only one who could gain enough from his death, for it to fulfill a true purpose." His short laugh was bitter, filled with resentment he knew he had no right to feel. Albus had given him more than he had deserved, more than time, more than a home, it was only right it should be sacrificed. He hated it anyway.
no subject
"I understand. And it was obvious he was weakening. Still a shock, though."
It is an immense relief to Remus, to know that Albus' last moments weren't spent in anguish over someone he trusted betraying him. Rather, they would have been of knowing Severus was doing what needed done, setting the stage for what had to come next. Considering the situation they are all in, it wasn't a bad way to go.
Remus gets up and slides onto Severus' lap.
Once he's decided to accept Severus' explanation, Remus sees no reason to withold anything. He moves his arms around his lover and lays his head on his chest.
"I guess, in a way, this whole thing makes you...Safer. In your work. Surely you must be trusted implicitly, now, considering...
no subject
He pushes his face into Remus' hair and closes his eyes, relaxing for the first time in days, feeling safe. Feeling loved.
"No." He sighs "Only as far as The Dark Lord goes. Before, nobody was hunting me, nobody believed me a murderer and a traitor. I have Aurors and Order members on my trail now. People I have no wish to harm, but must, if they should succeed in finding me. Which is why I have left the British Isles and moved to the mainland. Using a glamour, I will hopefully remain undetected."
He will not think of what will happen once all is over. They will have lost or won, either way ... he has difficulty in seeing a future for himself.
no subject
He sighs heavily against Severus' chest.
"Well. If I'm asked to look for you, I'll agree to do so. But I won't, of course. Maybe I should volunteer..."
He looks up and moves his hand through Severus' hair, then kisses him slowly, as if he wants to memorize it. Which he does, really.
"You can stay here, whenever you want to, you know? No one would ever think to look for you here. Particularly where I am."
no subject
Remus' offer brings a small smile to his lips, because the man is right. Nobody in their right mind, would come looking for Severus Snape in Remus Lupin's flat. The thought of being here, is tempting. So close to Remus and so far away from those in search of him.
But... he blinks.
"Potter is gone?" Severus suddenly exclaims, when the words truly catch up with his mind.
"In what manner is he gone?" He looks intently at Remus. If Potter has run away, has endangered himself in some way... That foolish boy!
no subject
"Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry seem to have buggered off. After Bill's wedding. I imagine they've gone to try to end this, to find Vol...Him."
He shakes his head.
"They're being searched for, of course."
no subject
"Dumbfool boy! He might end up destroying everything with his ignorance and cocky self-confidence!" Severus sighs and lets his head fall back against the headrest of the chair, closing his eyes. He suddenly feels completely and utterly drained.
It might end up being all in vain after all.
no subject
Instead, he straddles his lover and leans full-body on his chest, kissing his neck softly.
no subject
He will have to stay more in the Dark Lord's company from now on, should Potter against odds succeed in finding him.
But for now, neither have a place in his mind. For too long has he thought of nothing else and he needs a break from it, admitting to a strong need inside him. For Remus, for comfort, for love, all things that have seemed lost, until now.
"I love you," Severus murmurs as he tilts his face down and turns towards Remus to kiss him, slowly, lingeringly, lovingly. It is almost an incantation, a ward surrounding them and a core of Severus' being, a safety against the raging madness around them.
no subject
"And I love you, Severus," he mutters into the kiss. "Make love to me," he whispers even more softly. "Slowly. Please."
Remus runs his hands from Severus' face to his shirt and starts to undo the buttons.
"I need you."
His voice is barely audible, but somehow Remus is sure Severus has heard him.
no subject
"Yes." He kissed Remus again, his hands first pushing the bathrobe off Remus' shoulders - leaving it up to him to get rid of it - then moving under the t-shirt, over the smooth skin of Remus' chest, his thumbs rubbing lightly over his lover's nipples.
He needed Remus as well. Needed him so badly, it almost hurt. Impatient to feel more skin, he moved his hands down again and took hold of the t-shirts hem and pulled it up. Only interupting Remus' good work for a short moment, he dragged it fully off the man and discarded it.
With a low hungry moan, he cupped the back of Remus' head and drew him into another deep kiss, His other hand stroked firmly over Remus' back, relishing the feel of his lover's skin and muscles.
no subject
He fumbled a bit with the shirt buttons, but who could blame him? Anyone would have trouble if Severus was kissing them like he was kissing Remus.
Finally he got it unbuttoned. Thank god!
"You've lost weight," he muttered against his lover's mouth, his hands sliding down Snape's chest. "I'm sure I have, too."
They both had had a very hard time, Remus knew. Severus even more than he. After all, he'd had to...do it.
God. Severus' strength astounded him. His ability to do what needed done.
"God, I love you so much," he muttered, then kissed severus again as he undid the other man's trousers. "Take me to bed, Severus. I want to do this right."
no subject
His hand at Remus' neck trailed around and cupped the man's face as Severus draws slightly back to be able to look into those beautiful amber eyes.
"I love you, more than I can express." the strength of his emotions were overwhelming and he had no control over this intense need for Remus. He knew the Veritaserum was still active in his system and it was influencing him. But it was still the truth, all of it.
He reached down with his other hand, finding his wand and gripping it. Not breaking the eye-contact he moved the hand up again and around Remus' back, holding him tightly.
Severus wanted to do this right as well, wanted to make love to Remus. And with a clear vision of Remus' bed in his mind, he apparated them onto it, sitting on the edge, Remus still straddling him.
He drew Remus' head close again and murmured "I want to make love to you," before kissing his lover.
no subject
"Love you," he muttered against Severus' mouth. "Want you."
He pushed Severus down onto the bed, covering his lover with his body, kissing him passionately before sitting up.
"Clothes, off."
Remus stood and disrobed quickly, not wanting to wait any longer than he had to.
no subject
His wand was still in his hand, and he didn't hesitate with using it. Pulling himself up on his elbows, still looking at Remus, he pointed the wand at himself, banishing the clothes with a thought.
He had no thought to spare for his appearance. The too prominent ribs and bones, the sallow skin... There was only the look in Remus' eyes, the strong desire Severus clearly saw in them and his lover's mind. That was what he needed.
Not moving, he continued looking intently at Remus as he spoke "Come here."
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The love he feels for this man is almost overwhelming. He has to force himself not to be consumed by it.
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His hands slid up to Remus' shoulders and he rolled them over, settling on top of his lover.
no subject