New years reflections [TM Challenge] (in the Brooklyn house)

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Severus has not had much time to think since the new year started. Or even since before Christmas. More memories have joined the few extremely personal ones in the pensieve, while he has been in the presence of his one remaining master. Memories he should consider... events that have changed things, turned so much upside down.

Now, as he sits down with a soft sigh, finally home again - if it can be called home in any way - he knows he will have to put those memories back. The stone basin, standing so innocently on a shelf, a silvery cloth covering the top half of it, beckons him.

Severus rises from the chair and walks over to the pensieve. The cloth is smooth and heavy, sliding off the basin with a small rustle. For a moment he merely looks at the liquid swirling lazily around, the silver of memories glowing subtly.

A small practised wave of his wand is enough, the long string easy to extract ... and re-implant, in his mind. In a flash, the memory plays before his inner eye, disturbing, upsetting, alluring, arousing... Remus and Kirill. Severus blinks out of it and replaces the cloth over the basin.

Sitting back down in his chair, it surprises him how utterly clear that memory is, defying the normal haze usually attached to drunken recollections.

Were you truly drunk, or were you decieving yourself?

It also startles him, how much it emphasises much of what has changed in his life this past year. How much he's thought he's remained the same, all the while changing far more than he can comprehend.

And it's all centered around Remus.

Albus too, to a certain degree, forcing Severus into the role as the hunted, the traitor, the murderer... A situation that in turn has forced him out of the small comfortable box that had been his life. Had torn that small box to pieces, and left him floundering with only two fixed points in his life.

Remus and the mission.

And while time passes without change to the mission, without development... everything concerning Remus has shifted. Grown intenser and deeper, a love he no longer tries to question, a passion he needs, a man he no longer can be without.

A possessive jealousy, that is still strong but has somehow morphed into something he can't understand, no matter how deep inside himself he looks.

He needs to speak with Remus about this. And Kirill... Needs to understand what has happened.

Wordcount: 403

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[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus apparated to Brooklyn and walks the rest of the way to the house.

He finishes his cigarette and drops it to the pavement, then steps on it. Bending over, he picks up the butt and pockets it.

A deep sigh, and he walks up to the door and knocks softly.

He hasn't talked to Severus since the party. The night had ended well, but Remus knows they have to talk. After something like that, there has to be some sort of conversation.

So he's come to talk to Severus. And just to see him, because he misses him. He always misses him.

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

The knock on the frontdoor pulls Severus out of his throughts.

It can only be Remus ... or a random salesman. But the first is more plausible, considering the ward that goes off when Severus returns here, and alerts Remus to the fact.

Severus rises and a few moments later he opens the door. He smiles, glad to see his lover again. He habitually and quickly scans the area behind Remus, paranoia strong as ever, then meets Remus' eyes again as he steps to the side to let his lover in.

"It's good to see you, Remus." It is very good to see him.

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Remus smiles and walks in to the house. When the door is closed, he embraces Severus and kisses him softly, sighing against him.

"You look fabulous," he mutters.

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Severus' arms wrap around Remus, a natural flow of movement as they kiss. Merlin, he's missed him.

He chuckles low at Remus' words "I look like hell. You clearly need glasses. You, on the other hand, do look fabulous." Severus runs his fingers through Remus' hair, relishing the feel of the soft strands.

"How have you been?" A touch of worry enters his voice, since he was unable to get away at the last full moon.

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"You're always beautiful to me, Sev. Even when you look like hell."

He smiles widely at his lover and rubshis nose against Severus'. Remus sighs happily: How he loves those hands in his hair.

"I'm alright. Just..." He shrugs. "You know. Same as always."

The last full had been rough, without the potion. But he was getting somewhat used to it again.

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"I know."

Severus kisses Remus again, slowly. He hates being unable to supply the only thing, that can make the full moon easier for his lover.

Hates even more that he's failed so far in finding something even better, a cure. But Remus knows those feelings and there's no need to repeat them.

Severus would rather focus on being able to give Remus his love, a small measure of happiness.

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Remus guides them to the couch as they kiss. When they reach it, he sits and pulls Severus into his lap.

"Is everything okay with you, then? I mean, considering..?"

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Finding himself on Remus' lap is a small surprise, but surely not a bad one.

The question puzzles him slightly, for a moment. But he can see what is meant, in Remus' eyes.

"I am."

Are you?

"Things have changed ... have been changed." Or is it truly Severus who has changed?

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"Have they?"

He runs a hand through Severus' hair, then kisses it.

"What's changed, then?"

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Severus considers the answer for a long moment. Nothing has truly changed. It has been a shift, mostly in his own perspective.

Remus' presence makes that even clearer for him. The touches and the warmth.

"It has become easier." Severus surpresses the urge to rise and pace to aid his thoughts.

"In truth, it may be me who has changed." He looks at Remus with a small wry smile.

"The waiting for a conclusion," - which is also a way of putting it, no matter the huge consequences inherently part of that conclusion - "no longer seems unbearable."

At least that hasn't changed, his selfishness. Because he is being selfish, wanting as much time as possible. As much time as possible ... with Remus.

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"Well, I'm glad it's easier."

God, that little smile just kills Remus, every time.

"I know what you mean. Even though I'm much farhter from it than you are, the waiting...Used to be much more prevalent in my thoughts. But now, it's much less so."

He kisses Severus' hair again.

"Because I have other things in my life, now, perhaps. So, ahh, how have you changed, Severus?"

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That question is much harder to answer.

"Changes like that are difficult to define. Especially since it's a change that's been going on for a long time. So subtle, I didn't realise it before ... recently."

The urge to pace increases.

"Trust... would be the largest change." Severus looks into Remus' eyes. Severus has only ever fully trusted himself, and then still with reservations.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus loosens his hold on Severus. The other man smells tense and looks fidgety.

"As in...You trust me, or you...Don't?"

Remus holds his gaze, his hand running gently over his lover's back.

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"I love you and trust you," Severus answers without hesitation.

He reaches up and cups Remus' face, eyes intent.

"With my life." Which in truth he has done since Albus' death.

"Unconditionally." And there is the change, inside him. The profound shift he's tried to define. A very unsettling realisation, but somehow also comforting. That he's able to feel like that.

There's hope for you yet, Severus. Albus' cheerful voice sounds in Severus' head and his lips curl faintly in amusement. How typical of the old man, to enter his thoughts now.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus' smile is wide and joyfully happy. He lowers his head, humbled by Severus. He knows how this is a huge step for his lover.

Remus kisses Severus' palm and exhales a little shakily.

"I love you and trust you, Severus. With my life. Unconditionally."

It's almost ritual-like, this exchange of statements. Vows, even.

He feels closer to Severus than ever before.

Looking up again, still smiling Remus moves his hand to the back of Severus' neck and kisses him sweetly. Sealing a promise? That's what it feels like, to him.

"I wish you didn't have to go back," he whispers when the kiss breaks. "I miss you and worry for you so much, when you're gone. It feels like..."

He shrugs.

"It sounds stupid. But you take a part of me with you, every time you leave."

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

Severus doesn't stop looking at Remus, as his lover repeats his words and the intention and feelings behind them as well.

The kiss seals the words deeply inside Severus, turning this moment into much more.

"You shouldn't worry, Remus." More importantly, he doesn't want Remus to worry. There's no way around going back. But what his lover says is actually true. He does take a part of Remus with him, every time he leaves. Severus also leaves part of himself behind, keeping it safe from the corruption and filth he's surrounded by when at his ... Lord's side. And knowing it will be there for him, when he returns, makes it bearable.

"I do," he says truthfully, his hand still cupping Remus' face. "And it keeps me sane." Or as sane as possible.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus gazes at Severus for what seems like either a long time or just the blink of an eye. In reality, it's somewhere inbetween.

He closes his eyes, just concentrating on the feeling of Severus' hand against his cheek.

His own hand reaches up to cover Severus', and he sighs happily.

"I can't help but worry. Even though I know it doesn't help. I end up angsting all over Kirill." His smile turns sheepish. "I think he worries about you, too, now."

Speaking of...

Remus's expression changes to mild concern.

"Umm. How are you? Regarding that whole...Situation?"

You know the one, Sev. The one where the three of us fucked like bunnies...

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Severus' eyebrow quirks sharply.

Why on earth would Kirill worry about him? He opens his mouth to ask, but closes it again as Remus continues.

Ah, yes ... the situation. Or rather, the events of one Christmas party, the memory only too vivid in his mind right now. Remus' obvious concern reminds him of how far away from his initial stance towards Kirill, his actions were that night.

He's still not sure how he feels about it. But ... he cannot lie to himself and say he didn't enjoy it.

"I'm ... fine, also regarding the situation. There are no regrets." He smiles slightly at Remus.

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Remus smiles and sighs with relief.

"Oh, good. I was fully prepared to feel like a huge jerk for allowing something like that to happen. I know, you're responsible for yourself. I know you can take care of yourself. But I'd hate to be party to anything that hurts you. Kirill...Is no threat to you. To us. Just as you're no threat to him. I made promises to both of you, to never leave either of you. And I won't. I can't, you're..."

He runs his hands down Severus' arms.

"You're both a part of me. The two of you...You're...My soul, really. Can't live without that, now, can I? And I know it sounds selfish, and I know it's too much to ask, but my wish is for you to be friends, or at least amicable aquaintances."

His smile turns seductive.

"Both of you were very amicable, if memory serves."

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

Severus would interject that not even Remus would be able to make him do anything, he doesn't want to. Especially not something like that night.

But Remus' words render him silent.

He knows he's not threat to Kirill, and also that Kirill is no threat to him. The jealousy inside him is irrational though, and not at all affected by that knowledge.

But ... things have changed, and what Remus is asking for, is no longer an impossible request. How odd, the way he's once more slipped into something unexpected, something altering. Remus has obviously had a very profound influence on Severus, much more than he has realised before. Or rather, Remus' love for him and how much Severus loves the man back.

And just where does that put Kirill in Severus' world?

They have talked to each other, drunken together, had sex with Remus ... with each other.

Amicable is a slight understatement, Severus muses as he looks into Remus' warm eyes.

A small smirk forms on his lips, both at the memory he can almost sense in his lover's mind, and at the smile on Remus' lips.

"Quite so. Your memory serves you well." Severus ponders his next words for a moment.

"I know too little of Kirill, to consider him ... a friend." For him, friendship requires trust, and that isn't easily gained from Severus.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus nods. He understands that.

"Of course. But it's the fact that you don't know him, rather than the fact that he exists at all, that keeps you from considering him a friend, at this point. I just mean..."

He blushes, remembering how Severus had looked under Kirill, how they'd locked gazes as he fucked Kirill, as Kirill sucked Severus off.

"I just mean, you obviously don't hate the man, that's all. With time, you may become friends. Or, at least, friendly aquaintances."

He runs his fingers through Severus' hair, then leans in and inhales, moaning softly.

"You smell so good, Sev. I go through withdrawl if I don't get to scent you enough."

Another inhalation, and Remus closes his eyes, feeling almost euphoric.

"You know, if there's anything about Kirill that you'd like to know, I'll tell you. As long as I think it's something he wouldn't mind me telling. He knows quite a bit about you, if only because I can't seem to keep from talking about you."

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

Severus agrees with Remus. What he knows of Kirill, what he has sensed and in the man's company, speaking with him, all talks in favour of a friendly relationship between them.

Perhaps, in time, a friendship.

Severus knows he has a fiercely possessive and jealous personality. And that is not likely to change. He doesn't share well at all.

Oh, but you did so very excellently that night, didn't you Severus?

But he can share. Because no matter what, Remus is still his.

The deep scenting inhalations against him send shivers down his spine, and he knows he has no other choice. He loves Remus and would do most everything for his lover.

He arches an eyebrow slightly at hearing that Kirill knows much about him. The question is, what does Kirill know of him. But looking into Remus' eyes, Severus trusts him and doesn't ask.

Instead he leans in and kisses Remus for a long slow moment. He smiles a bit when he draws away.

"What can you tell me about him?" He can do this, and he will. Once Severus Snape has decided on something, he follows through.

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Remus pets Severus' hair and considers.

"Well. He's Russian. Obviously. He was orphaned when he was young. He started working for the government when he was really young. Basically as an assassin, doing whatever he was told. He got out of that a while back, and now he...Errr. Kind of runs the Russian mafia in New York."

Remus clears his throat.

"He's not what most people would consider a 'good man.' But he's honorable and honest."

And that's something he and Severus have in common. And part of why Remus loves them both so.

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

Running the Russian mafia? A man of some - even if slightly subversive and probably highly illegal - influence.

He can't say he's surprised by what Remus says. He's known of the assassin part ever since that first encounter. The rest gives an interesting perspective of the man, and adds to the impression he got at the Christmas party, during their conversation.

"You seem to have a knack at finding those traits in people... and drawing them out." Severus traces a finger down the side of Remus' face, looking into his eyes.

So much love. Something he will never take for granted.

"We had a small conversation at the party... before things evolved."

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Remus smiles and pulls Severus more firmly against him.

"I do. I'm attracted to some specific traits, I guess. The 'bad boys'."

He grins widely and kisses Severus' finger.

"I bet that conversation had a low word count compared to most."

Neither of his lovers are known for being talkative.

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Severus chuckles.

"Quality over quantity, I would say." It had been a good conversation. Surprisingly calm and cordial. Even when the subject had been Potter.

And the whisky had been very good, of course.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus kisses Severus' temple, then down to his neck.

"Quality, for sure. I have impeccable taste."

He licks Severus' neck.

"So do you."

He licks him again.

"When do you have to go back?"

Remus would love to spend a day or two with Severus. A few stolen hours at a time just isn't enough.

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

A low humm of pleasure rumbles in Severus' throat at Remus' licks. He arches his neck slightly to give better access. His hand strokes up along Remus' spine until his fingers slide into his lover's hair.

"I don't know. When I am summoned." Something is underway, he knows it. But he still needs to get to the details.

"Unless I return before. I need to settle a few details, then I will have enough information for the Order." He doesn't truly want to discuss Order matters now, though.

[moonyblues.livejournal.com]

Remus shifts and pushes Severus back onto the couch. He kisses and licks his lover's neck, hovering over him.

God, those fingers. In his hair. Jesus.

"I'll stay until you have to go back."

He inhales against Severus' neck again, then sucks a mark there.

"I've missed you, so much. I need to be with you as long as I can before you go."

He hates this. He wishes they could both just say 'fuck the order,' but of course, they can't.

Remus moves his hands up to start unbuttoning Severus' shirt.

"Want to go to your bed and just lie there entwined. Just to feel each other, kiss each other. Love each other. Fall asleep together. Want to be as close to you as I can, Severus. You're mine. I need you."

He kisses Severus' chest for a few seconds, then gathers him to himself and sits up, then stands up, carrying his lover as he kisses him on the lips again, deeply and sweetly.

When he gets to the bedroom, Remus sets Severus on the bed, then backs up a step and starts to disrobe, watching his lover as he slowly removes his clothing.

[sev-ensnared.livejournal.com]

Severus closes his eyes, enjoying his lover's attention, the hot mouth on his skin. Gods, but he has missed this so much. A physical ache of longing. He moans softly and strokes Remus' hair and back, soaking up the words that give away just how much Remus has missed this too.

He wants Remus to stay. Needs this contact so much it's unsettling. And good.

Then Severus suddenly finds himself carried, as ever baffled at Remus' strength and the strength of the desire he can see in his lover's eyes. He returns the kiss with fervour, meeting Remus' tongue, stroking, tasting, loving. There's something liberating about allowing himself to be carried like this.

Swept away.

Something beyond his tight control. He doesn't need the control though, not here, not now.

Severus looks up at Remus from his position on the bed, watching silently as his lover's body is slowly revealed. Beautiful. His.

"Mine," he says in an echo of Remus' earlier words.

He undresses as well, discarding the clothes on the floor.

"Come here," Severus looks intently up into Remus' eyes.